Q: How come oysters never donate to charity?
A: Because they are shellfish.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Q: How do lamps communicate?
Confucius Says: Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Confucious Say: Virgin just like balloon ... one prick, all gone.
Confucius Says: Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
Confucius Says: Man who have circumcision lose a bit of foresight.
Confucius Says: Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs.
Confucius Says: Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,
"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."
A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"
Why didn't the sailors play cards?
Because the captain was sitting on the deck.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks "How much for a beer?"
The bartender says, "For you? no charge."